2018-11-11

It builds. Piles up like Jenga blocks, threatening to fall any second. 

I was counting. 

​

Five things that I can see. I can see the bathroom tiles, the sink, the faucet, the fan, the flickering ceiling lights.

​

Four things I can hear. Humming, from the heater I’m sitting on. There’s nobody else in the bathroom. It’s too quiet. There’s no sound. Maybe I can tap my fingers on the counter but I can’t stand the idea of making a noise. That’s what got me here in the first place. He’s talking. He’s got it together. Do I? Do I? He stands on the podium with an award in his hand and the only thing I’ve had to eat the last two days is a piece of bread. I see red from the edge of my vision and I desperately want to do something to wipe that gloat off his face. I am not content, how can I be content, being in second place, being the “alternative hypothesis?” The money it is going somewhere from my pockets into the birds, the birds that are not even alive, they live in dull metal, an imitation, like I am, drawing figures and typing numbers I cannot process anymore. I whispered to Delta that I don’t know how anyone is expecting to be done or to do any of this. I hated. Hated, every second of it. Hated my voice, hated everything I was saying. Everybody else can. 

​

Where is everybody else.

​

It’s too quiet. I’m still counting. It’s too quiet and I can’t hear anything and I keep using the word I and I don’t wanna talk myself anymore but all that’s looping in my head this is all my fault and nothing’s even wrong and I’m pathetic for thinking that this is a failure but I’m pathetic for being here in this predicament thinking that I’m a failure and there are still no sounds and I can’t count and I gotta pick a reset point I don’t know where the exit is focus focus focus I started tapping anyway and there’s still no sound and I can’t count and this is supposed to help me calm down why am I panicking over this

​

Max finds me. I think they’re from immersion. They talk and I barely hear of it. But I think I know their sister. For once I’m sort of glad that my face doesn’t change much after bawling my eyes out. Even though I’m not even sure if I cried at all.