2018-11-25

oh.

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I didn’t think there would be so big of a consequence, okay? It was just a little thing, a figment of my imagination turned into reality, but now it has spiralled out of my control.

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I know it’s not real, but reality’s a perception. I thought she was an escape, she was helping me, if she’s just making my work more efficient, it couldn’t have been a problem.

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Suddenly there’s all these data and Miya’s asking me what the hell I’m doing and where the hell the results I promised are. I told her they’re here, I just need a little bit of time to analyse them, but to be honest I have no idea what they even mean.

Why can’t I remember doing any of this? Why can’t I remember anything? I have to have done something, right? Because otherwise it wouldn’t make sense for them to even exist. 

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It’s me it’s me it’s still me here. I thought I was past that time period. It’s all under control, it’s alright. I’ve gone through this before. I can do it now.

 

It’s half my life and soul. I can’t just give up on it. If I do, if I just leave, it’ll instantaneously paint me as guilty when I didn’t even do anything, and Minsky will win this argument. I can’t trust anyone to defend my position, I have to be the person who gets there first. If I feed it back into Delta I can get some of the basic analysis done, right? Yes. This is it. I can’t let people know I’ve been so irresponsible. I can’t have a peace of mind anymore but if nobody knows I can pretend nothing is wrong. Absolutely nothing.

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This project, everything I’ve loved, I made it so personal to me that I was always scared of sharing it with other people. Maybe I’m selfish, but I just, I want to own it, have it for myself, and now it seems like there’s nowhere to go but to question the robot that’s working for me. And that’s a stupid thing to do because it’s literally a robot and a data analysis machine and it doesn’t know anything. I think I’m going crazy.